Gig Fail…

I pulled the gig.

All-together too much shit went too wrong yesterday for me to feel like I could drive to Exter and back for a gig. I’m ok, I’m at home and I’m safe but a gig last night would have been too much, it would have hurt me and I’m tired of hurting myself. A lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way is to accept what is, not what I think should be or what I want to be – I must accept and work with what is. Yesterday, I was stood looking down at the line in the sand that I’d promised myself I would never cross again and I turned and walked away.

I did what I had to do to make sure that I stay well.

National Centre for Mental Health – Research Champion!

There is some good news in all of this…

I had a meeting with a few of the team at the National Centre for Mental Health at Cardiff University.

I have agreed to take part in some of their world-changing mental health research and to become a Research Champion, using my story to help drive public engagement and recruitment. I am beyond thrilled.

I hope I get a cape!

The Piece of Mind Podcast…

The team at NCMH also produce the Piece of Mind podcast that I’m super excited ot announce I be appearing on very soon…

It’s early doors yet but I’ll have more info to shar soon. The Valley Fabulous podcast is taking shape, too, with hopefully some crossover into the mental health world so I’m hoping to have some exciting news on that soon.

And then there’s the shed…

You can get hear the Piece of Mind podcast on iTunes, Soundcloud, or at the following link: https://www.cardiff.ac.uk/mrc-centre-neuropsychiatric-genetics-genomics/get-involved/public-engagement/podcast-piece-of-mind

So what happened to the gig?

I was supposed to meet with Hugh to film some stuff beforehand but I got confused – I’ve been get confused and flustered a lot, lately – and I firmly believed that I’d left him waiting outside the Hadyn Ellis building for me while I was sipping coffee at home and trying to stop sweating after the shower I’d just had. So I panicked, threw everything in my bag, and dashed down to Cardiff. I pulled up outside Hadyn Ellis and heard my phone ringing. It was Hugh, he was at my house, waiting for me.

We’d agreed to meet at mine and drive down together. All I’d had to do was sit tight, finish my coffee, and wait for Hugh. Instead, I panicked, assumed the worst, blamed myself, and allowed anxiety to get the better of me again. I was in Cardiff, almost in tears, in about ten minutes; my anxiety was through the roof; I was panicked, sweating, and shaking and I was furious with myself. My demons spotted the cracks and flooded in, screaming with glee (it’s not just the light that can get through those cracks, thank you very much), and reminding me that I’m crap and I’m overweight and I’m fucked and I’ll never get a show to Edinburgh and I don’t deserve to and that everything I touch turns to shit like I’m a crap Midas.

“Ooooh! I’ve got The Shite-as Touch…”

Tick, tick, tick…

Convinced that I’m hot and and sweating and aching because I’m a fat, lazy bastard who can’t do a simple thing like meet someone in Cardiff for a meeting, I sat and waited for Hugh and I stewed and shot daggers at passers-by. I decided that I’d be better off in an air-conditioned building so I headed for the gates. I was politely informed that as I had no parking pass I’d have to park ‘somewhere else’ (wherever that is) and left to find somewhere to park in Cathays. Yes…Cathays. At three in the afternoon. In August.

Tick, tick, tick…

I almost went home.

But you didn’t?

No. I didn’t. We’ve been talking about this for a while, now. I’ve been working with BBC Wales Live, Hugh has worked hard and everyone involved has been kind, supportive, and very generous with their time – I was not going to let them down. Plus, you know what? I’m fucking sick of failing. I found a parking space in Cathays and I walked back to the Hadyn Ellis. I gave myself time in the shade outside to let the breeze cool me off and to let my arousal levels drop a bit.

Tick, tick, tick…

The meeting was great, I did well, and I got to see Hayley for a bit. Hugh and I even got some scenes filmed. I contacted Ig and he sorted everything out immediately and got me off the hook.

Thanks, Ig.

I contacted the promoter and he was as good as gold and as supportive as ever. I do so love the Eminent Crew.

Sincere apologies to anyone who came along expecting to see me (it does happen now and then).

I’m super-excited about the work we’re going to be doing with NCMH and I can’t wait to tell you about all the other cool projects I’m working on but today, well, I’m not really in the mood for cheering for anything today. I spent yesterday kicking chunks out of my own arse for cancelling a gig for good people who have treated me well and supported me and for not bringing home the bacon and the demons have strengthened themselves, re-grouped, and launched another offensive. I’ve been fighting off for the last forty-eight hours.

I’m winning.

I thought I’d check my mood score, out of interest…

Hmmm. That’s a hell of a drop…

I’m gonna try to work out what’s gone on. I think I have a few ideas and Moodscope have some interesting-looking advice to offer me so I’m going to do some writing (well, reflective journaling), have a chat with my partner, and see if I can come up with some lessons learned…

I’ll be in touch…

Wes x